Broken Open

Standard

Broken pieces break into me
So imperfectly what you should be
I don’t want you to go
Don’t wanna see you back out in the cold
Air you’re breathing out – it fades you to gray
Don’t run away
Find me
I know the battles of the chasing the shadows of who you wanna be
It doesn’t mater
Go on and shatter
I’m all you need
Broken pieces break into me
So imperfectly what you should be
Lay here, it’s safe here
I’ll let you be broken open
Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open
Let’s enlighten the night
We can fall away, slip out of sight
When you drop your guard
Melt in time, so intertwined
Quiet
I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you wanna be
It doesn’t matter
Go on and shatter
I’m all you need
Broken pieces break into me
So imperfectly what you should be
Lay here it’s safe here
I’ll let you be broken open
Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open
Broken pieces break into me
So imperfectly what you should be
Lay here, it’s safe here
I’ll let you be broken open
Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open
Lay here, it’s safe here
I’ll let you be broken open
Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open

Some Crazy Wiccans…

Standard
Some Crazy Wiccans…

Growing up, I had always thought that I’d see all the drama and manipulation I’d ever see in high school, and that the meat of it and the most horrible manipulations would be out of the way. Well of course, shortly out of high school I knew better than to retain that belief. However, I never imagined that someone well into middle age could ever find the time to waste on manipulation and drama, let alone help cause some of the worst I’ve ever seen in my life, then blame everyone and everything else for the problems that would arise from it. I expect it from a child sometimes, but never from someone with many years of life experience behind them. And especially not from someone that practices a faith that expressly teaches that almost everything that happens in your life is a direct result of a choice or choices you make. Not the devil. Not evil. Not a sorcerer. Not black magick. We are responsible for the people we bring in and keep, the decisions we make, the way we allow others to treat us and certainly the way we treat others.

I went through something last year, with a spiritual group, that I apparently needed to go through to learn some valuable lessons. I’ve learned that, as decently skilled of a people reader as I normally can be, there are still masks that I can’t see past yet. I’ve learned that some people will never, under any circumstances, take responsibility for their own mistakes. I’ve learned that I can no longer trust as quickly as I have in the past. And I’ve RElearned that great friends and a great foundation are still the best support systems you can ever have.

I can probably never regret anything, no matter how harmful or negative, that I had to go through then, because with the most horrible people I’ve ever met came some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. Have to take the bad with the good right? Well, I’ve taken the bad, cycled through most of it – getting through the last bits, and cherished the good. I’ll continue to do so, and even hope that the other people involved in what transpired last year will one day understand that the world is not always out to get them and that it’s okay to stop hiding behind the lies, manipulation and games. I have a horrible habit of wanting to help people that are lost, so that they can have the tools to find their own way. But I know now, that some people are beyond that – it’s a cushion they use to protect themselves from a reality they have created and that cushion is THEIR support system. I can only hope that introspection will one day take the place of pointing the finger and these people can find some peace within themselves and within the rest of the world.

“Turned away from it all like a blind man. Sat on a fence, but it don’t work. Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn. Why, why, why? Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking. We give ourselves one more chance. Why can’t we give love that one more chance? Why can’t we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love? Cause love’s such an old fashioned word and love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night. And love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves. This is our last chance. This is ourselves under pressure.”

Crestfallen

Standard

Who am I to need to you when I’m down
And where are you when I need you around
Your life is not your own
And all I ask you is for another chance
Another way around you
To live by circumstance once again
Who am I to need you now
To ask you why, to tell you no
To deserve your love and sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me
And you may go but I know you won’t leave
Too many years built into memories
You’re life is not your own
Who am I to need you now
To ask you why, to tell you no
To deserve your love and sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me
Who am I to you
Along the way I lost my faith
And as you were you’ll be again to mold like clay, to break like dirt
To tear me up in your sympathy
You were never meant to belong to me
You were never meant to belong to me
You were never meant to belong to me.
Who am I
Who am I
Who am I
Who am I
Who am I
Who am I

The End is the Beginning

Standard
The End is the Beginning

Have you ever had someone in your life that seemed to be all kinds of bad for you, but you just COULDN’T let go of them? No matter how hard you try, the urge to run to them when something happens is so strong that you can’t ignore it.
My best friend…he’s one of the most amazing men in my life. The first day we ever met, it was like we had known each other our entire lives. We clicked right away over a love of music and movies and the way we usually hole our emotions up inside ourselves until the hole starts to become all consuming, and we’re forced to fill the hole up with something….anything, without ever really resolving the issue. It’s kind of a form of dismissal. And he and I have always been exceptionally good at it – except until it came to each other.
See, I like to pride myself wonder woman when it comes to emotions and relationship problems. ANY kind of relationship has problems. But I’ve always been great at keeping my relationships pretty evenly balanced. A little give, a little take, and a whole lot of love, communication, and affection. Apparently, my love and affection was confused for something more than I intended it for about two years ago. That should have been the time I permanently let go. But he promised he’d get over it, and the subject didn’t arise again for over a year. When it WAS mentioned again, I attempted to let him go. I tried. I really tried. But he had told me, when I so vehemently tried to cut the cord, that there was no way I’d be able to stay away from him. He was absolutely right, and he knew he would be. We are, after all, practically the same person.
The major difference between us, however, is that I’m in a happy, loving marriage and he is involved in a stagnant relationship that he insists on maintaining even though he’s not completely happy. His excuse, every time I grilled him about it, was the heaviest guilt trip of “The one I want isn’t available, so I get to settle for what I have.” I accepted these excuses, even though deep down I knew that he fixated on me only because he’s REALLY not ready to settle down, and he’s using me as an excuse to keep from fully committing to his girlfriend. I’m “safe.” He knows that I will never want him the way he CLAIMS to want me. He knows I love my husband more than anything or anyone else. He knows that although he’s my best friend, my husband is my ULTIMATE best friend. He knows that I love him, but only as a brother. He KNOWS.
Let me tell you what I know. I know that communication came undeniably easy with him. I know that we have so much in common, and think so much alike, that sometimes it seems as if we’re the same person. I know that he’s given me so much more than any of my other friends have ever given me. I know that he’s a good man, despite and in part because of his flaws. I know that I love him like the kind of brother that I always wished I’d had. I know that I have to let him go. And I know that this time, there can be no looking back.
It’s going to break me in half – so sharply that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to mend completely. No amount of glue will fix this situation. And nothing will make it easier. He’s all over my life – his gifts, his lyrics, his way of thinking…his sage advice. His name will probably be permanently etched into my heart, but all I can do is keep it there, with the rest of the names of people who have touched my life in unspeakable ways, and find solace in my husband’s arms. I can only hope that this end can be HIS new beginning.

“Inside of me, is such a part of you. Oh, the years burn…..”

Wow!

Standard

I’m planning some trips at the moment, and as I’m planing the one down to Austin for Austin Pagan Pride, it hit me that I haven’t updated here in quite some time. I had promised myself that I would keep this up, & I already broke that promise. Boo me.

Busy is the word – if it hasn’t been one thing, it’s been another. Health, friends, family, or just life in general; pretty much all have bombarded me either one at a time, or in multiples at one time, for the past few months. It’s mostly been great, though, with much of my time being taken up by friends and family.

I have been keeping my promise to write much more, but it’s been in my own personal journal, and in my Book of Shadows. I’ve also been looking into some traditional Witchcraft schools to take part in. I’d really like to learn TRADITIONAL witchcraft – not Wicca, which may share some of the same elements, but aren’t the same thing, as I’m sure many of you know. If anyone has any suggestions for a school of traditional Witchcraft (please don’t tell me Hogwarts, lol) please let me know. I’d greatly appreciate your input.

I’m also taking a larger part in my local Pagan community and making many new and great friends. I never realized how great the community in this area was until I branched away from myself a little and a group that was trying to be expressly exclusive. Taking part in more drum circles has prompted me to pursue my long silenced want to try out percussion. I’m actually in search of a decent sounding djembe drum at the moment, and have purchased some tambourines with heads. Those have been fun! I can’t wait until I find a good djembe.

I really am going to try to make more time to post here, even if just from my phone, since my computer was “virused” and I don’t really want to pay the money to get it fixed right now. I hope to be posting more opinions, and maybe even some Witchcraft things as I transition from Wicca to traditional Witchcraft.

Thanks so much to anyone that reads, and again – any Witchcraft school suggestions, and even djembe drum suggestions would be very helpful and greatly appreciated. :)

Open Mind

Standard

My best friend, whom I love beyond words, is an atheist. Normally, this would not be an issue. However, he has a tendency to be what I call a “preachy” atheist. “Preachy” atheists, to me, are those that live to tell every religion on the planet that all of their beliefs are wrong, & that science has all the answers. Don’t get me wrong – I FIRMLY believe that science has many answers & what answers it doesn’t have will be found later after more research. What makes me see red, is the hypocrisy of the action. My best friend (not using names here) absolutely LOATHES when a Christian preaches to him about anything pertaining to their religion. Therefore, it would stand to reason, that he would then not reflect the same action back, correct? WRONG. He, along with quite a few other atheists I know, are persistent in ridiculing people of religious faith.

It all seems like a great way to never learn from each other, if you ask me. When you are determined that you are right, one hundred percent, it leaves no room to gain knowledge from others. I for one, find that appalling. The answers can ALWAYS change, even in science. Our world is constantly evolving. All of it. The planet, animals, human kind, the space surrounding the planet, and our knowledge of it all – it’s all constantly in motion. So why would anyone want to ever limit themselves by thinking that they have it all figured out? It’s a question I continuously ask myself AND my best friend, without ever getting a real response.

As a witch, many of my views are atheistic in nature. I do not believe in a god & goddess the way many other Wiccans do. I call them the God and Goddess, sure. But in my views, they are merely words that represent this planet and all of the life it sustains. However, I would never begrudge those Wiccans that believe in an ACTUAL God and Goddess. From where I’m standing, as long as you don’t try to force your beliefs on me, then I have no quarrel with you as far as that topic is concerned. In the same light, I don’t want to put down the god and/or goddess of any other religion or spirituality. I only have a problem with one “group” of people trying to keep any other “group” of people from having any right that the “average” citizen has. Oh the Libra in me just rears its crazy little head sometimes: I want things to be as fair as possible.

Anyhow, I just thought I’d burn off a little steam here. My best friend and I bicker about this topic plenty. We usually try to avoid it, but the fact that we tell each other everything makes that difficult sometimes. No matter our differences in opinion on this, I still love him dearly, and a difference in religious preference, or lack thereof, could never change that. I just wanted to say that I hope we can all keep our minds open to the endless possibilities that this world has to offer. Make every day a learning experience because every day is new. It’s such a better way to live. :)

20140223-012453.jpg

New Adventures

Standard
We are the elements. The elements are us.

We are the elements. The elements are us.

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been able to get lost in imaginary worlds. Sometimes, it was an imaginary world that someone else created. Other times, it was a world that I created in my head before transferring it to paper. In school, I was made fun of for that very capability. For a long time, I didn’t care. But as happens many times, the criticism took its toll, and I withdrew into myself further and further. The constant teasing, coupled with a home life that wasn’t very ideal, seemed to wash away my fantasy worlds. They were replaced with journal entries of the very darkest nature. They were replaced with shoving my imagination into the furthest corners of my mind. They were replaced with physical illness, frustration, anger, and a very deep despair. I was very frustrated with my parents, angry at the world for not accepting me for who I was, and had no hope that things would ever change. Of course, I was a teenager then, and as we all know, everything is pretty much the end of the world in those years.

Once I left public school, things began to change for me. Some of the pressures and illness that I suffered were lifted from my back. I was happier, even though home life still wasn’t what I had hoped it would be. Then I met a beautiful man. We started off as only friends, but that changed pretty quickly. We moved in together shortly after we started actually dating, and though we went through a difficult time in adjusting to living together, I could never be more grateful that we took the path we did. He is everything I’ve never been, and in that sense, he balances me in ways that no one else has ever been able to accomplish before. Through him, I found the freedom to be myself – my WHOLE self. It was something I had been afraid of for a very long time. And even though he’s helped me become the most comfortable with myself that I’ve ever been, it has still taken years for me to finally find my way home.

My imagination was not the only way I’d felt different. It was not uncommon for me to have prophetic dreams when I was growing up. It was not uncommon for me to sense the danger rolling off of someone, even when there was no apparent evidence of danger. It was not uncommon for me to feel as if going to church was the absolute worst torture imaginable. It was not uncommon for me to just KNOW something was going to happen well before it did. Β It all confused me so much growing up, and I know now that it was a major contributor to my inner turmoil and physical ailments. Through the love and acceptance of my husband, I found my way back to a path that I had craved as a teenager. I found my way back to Witchcraft.

I dove in headfirst, and in doing so, found more inner peace since, than I have ever experienced in my life. Many things I learned, I already knew. I FELT them embedded inside, deep down – that place that I’d always ignored. Along the way, I’ve found explanations for many of the things I experienced that made me feel out-of-place before. The reason I could feel the danger and know some of the future that others couldn’t was because I was SO sensitive to shifts in energy. The reason churches have never given me a sense of peace is because my church is outside, sitting in the grass next to a solid tree. My church is standing under the moon and feeling the energy of it wash over me. My church is feeling the warmth of the sun wash over me as I sit outside and write in a journal, or in a Book of Shadows. My church is gathering as much knowledge as I can from as many places as I can, rationally thinking, deeply feeling, and carefully testing out my own ways. Β The reason these things effected me physically, is because I didn’t know how to protect myself or rid myself of all of that excess & harmful energy that I picked up from others. And along the way, I’ve discovered that my husband may have provided me with the acceptance to begin the journey, but it was myself that essentially decided that it was finally time.

I’ve discovered many things along the path of my witch studies, all of which I plan to share here, for anyone that is newer to the Craft than me, anyone that is curious, or just anyone that wishes to read the ramblings of a fellow witch/pagan. My writing and reading has been reignited and I wish to share as much of myself as I can here – something I was always afraid to do before. I kind of see it as a new adventure. So, join me. Learn from me. Teach me. Let’s all continue an adventure.