As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been able to get lost in imaginary worlds. Sometimes, it was an imaginary world that someone else created. Other times, it was a world that I created in my head before transferring it to paper. In school, I was made fun of for that very capability. For a long time, I didn’t care. But as happens many times, the criticism took its toll, and I withdrew into myself further and further. The constant teasing, coupled with a home life that wasn’t very ideal, seemed to wash away my fantasy worlds. They were replaced with journal entries of the very darkest nature. They were replaced with shoving my imagination into the furthest corners of my mind. They were replaced with physical illness, frustration, anger, and a very deep despair. I was very frustrated with my parents, angry at the world for not accepting me for who I was, and had no hope that things would ever change. Of course, I was a teenager then, and as we all know, everything is pretty much the end of the world in those years.
Once I left public school, things began to change for me. Some of the pressures and illness that I suffered were lifted from my back. I was happier, even though home life still wasn’t what I had hoped it would be. Then I met a beautiful man. We started off as only friends, but that changed pretty quickly. We moved in together shortly after we started actually dating, and though we went through a difficult time in adjusting to living together, I could never be more grateful that we took the path we did. He is everything I’ve never been, and in that sense, he balances me in ways that no one else has ever been able to accomplish before. Through him, I found the freedom to be myself – my WHOLE self. It was something I had been afraid of for a very long time. And even though he’s helped me become the most comfortable with myself that I’ve ever been, it has still taken years for me to finally find my way home.
My imagination was not the only way I’d felt different. It was not uncommon for me to have prophetic dreams when I was growing up. It was not uncommon for me to sense the danger rolling off of someone, even when there was no apparent evidence of danger. It was not uncommon for me to feel as if going to church was the absolute worst torture imaginable. It was not uncommon for me to just KNOW something was going to happen well before it did. It all confused me so much growing up, and I know now that it was a major contributor to my inner turmoil and physical ailments. Through the love and acceptance of my husband, I found my way back to a path that I had craved as a teenager. I found my way back to Witchcraft.
I dove in headfirst, and in doing so, found more inner peace since, than I have ever experienced in my life. Many things I learned, I already knew. I FELT them embedded inside, deep down – that place that I’d always ignored. Along the way, I’ve found explanations for many of the things I experienced that made me feel out-of-place before. The reason I could feel the danger and know some of the future that others couldn’t was because I was SO sensitive to shifts in energy. The reason churches have never given me a sense of peace is because my church is outside, sitting in the grass next to a solid tree. My church is standing under the moon and feeling the energy of it wash over me. My church is feeling the warmth of the sun wash over me as I sit outside and write in a journal, or in a Book of Shadows. My church is gathering as much knowledge as I can from as many places as I can, rationally thinking, deeply feeling, and carefully testing out my own ways. The reason these things effected me physically, is because I didn’t know how to protect myself or rid myself of all of that excess & harmful energy that I picked up from others. And along the way, I’ve discovered that my husband may have provided me with the acceptance to begin the journey, but it was myself that essentially decided that it was finally time.
I’ve discovered many things along the path of my witch studies, all of which I plan to share here, for anyone that is newer to the Craft than me, anyone that is curious, or just anyone that wishes to read the ramblings of a fellow witch/pagan. My writing and reading has been reignited and I wish to share as much of myself as I can here – something I was always afraid to do before. I kind of see it as a new adventure. So, join me. Learn from me. Teach me. Let’s all continue an adventure.